WHEEL OF FORTUNE

  • Mom: KARYNNNNNAAAAAAAA!!!
  • Me: *run into the room in a panic* What?!!!! Oh my god are you dying?
  • Mom: Hehe. No. Prize puzzle. GAME. ON.
  • Me: GAME. ON.

Fucking vegetables.

  • Mom: I'm going to eat more fucking vegetables.
  • Me: Hahahahaha. That's going on the blog.
  • Mom: What blog?
  • Me: I have a blog dedicated to all the hilarious shit you and the rest of the family say.
  • Mom: YAY! I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS... just make sure no one knows it's really me.
  • Me: I'll try, Mom— I'll try.

Pants.

  • Mom: Mija, your face looks thinner. Have you noticed a difference in your jeans?
  • Me: Mmmmmm.... No.
  • Mom: Really? You haven't noticed a difference in your pants?
  • Me: Mom, that would require me to actually put on pants. I haven't worn pants in the past 3 days.
  • Mom: Winning.
  • *five minutes later-- put on le pants*
  • Me: OH MY GOD, THEY FIT BETTER
  • Mom: DOUBLE WINNING.
  • Me: No.
  • Mom: Winning again?
  • Me: *affirmative nod* Winning again.

Source: ninjanerdle

  • Aunt: My friend Max is an amazing guitarist... and I know A LOT of people who play the guitar, so I'm like... cool, you can play. Whatever. When Max plays though, I'm like... God, he's so talented.
  • Me: I'm assuming he's in a band?
  • Aunt: Yeah, it's a 70s pogo/punk band.
  • Me: That's nifty— what's it called?
  • Aunt: Hehe. The Fleshlights. *glances over to gauge my reaction*
  • Me: *can't hold it in anymore* PAHAHAHAHAHA. That's glorious.
  • Aunt: Isn't it?

Go to Facebook only to find that my previous status reads: “This is Karynna’s mother. I am pleased to announce she got a sex change. She also left her Facebook open. :)”

Well played, mother. Well played.

Wal-mart vs. Target

  • *At Walmart*
  • Mom: Are you almost done?
  • Me: Yeah, I just need to grab some shampoo.
  • Mom: Okay good.
  • Me: Why, are you in a hurry?
  • Mom: No, I just want to go— there's just a lot of ugly people here.
  • Me: Wait, wait, are you serious?
  • Mom: Hahaha— no. Well.... maybe. No. Definitely not.
  • Me: Jesus. I didn't realize the people of Wal-Mart were not to your standards.
  • Mom: Well, Target shoppers are more attractive anyway.
  • Me: You know— I don't think I can argue with that.

Mom and the 35mm Pizza

  • *Hey Ya- Outkast is playing in the background*
  • Mom: *claps and starts dancing* Shake it. Sh-Shake it. Shake it. Sh-Shake it. Shake it like a Polaroid Pizza.
  • Me: Wh— What did you just say?
  • Mom: Shake it like a polaroid pizza.
  • Me: A polaroid pizza.
  • Mom: Well, what is it supposed to say?
  • Me: A polaroid picture?
  • Mom: Oh, well that makes a hell of a lot more sense.

She's Sexy... and She Knows It.

  • Mom: I've got passion in my pants.
  • Me: What?
  • Mom: I've got passion in my pants... and I'm not afraid of showing it.
  • Me: Oh, okay mom.
  • Mom: Aren't you going to ask me why?
  • Me: Why, mom?
  • Mom: Because I'm sexy and I know it.
  • Me: Good god, mother. BAHAHAHAHA.

Source: ninjanerdle

Honorary Mexican

  • Ainsley: I'm not Mexican though :(
  • Mom: Don't worry mija, you've spent Easter with us. Besides, today you'll get to hit your first piñata, which means you are an honorary Mexican and you inherit your shank.
  • Ainsley: REALLY?!
  • Mom: OF COURSE. Next Easter, you'll get upgraded to a machete. Welcome to the family!!
  • Ainsley: *looks at me* THIS IS AWESOME
  • Me: *nod of approval*
  • Grandpa: Mija! Mija!!!
  • Me: Yes, grandpa?
  • Grandpa: I have news!!!!
  • Me: What is it, grandpa?
  • Grandpa: I was on Facebook, and now Lady Gaga and I are friends.
  • Me: *spits out drink*
  • Grandpa: LOOK!
  • Me: *Luis Antonio liked Lady Gaga's page*
  • Grandpa: :D I bet your other friends' grandparents aren't friends with lady gaga.
  • Me: No grandpa. No they're not. :)